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feeling pressure to perform?

how to manage erection and orgasm performance anxiety


Orgasms. Erections. These are common sources of pressure that sometimes make sex feel stressful. Unfortunately, this pressure can end up counteracting the pleasure. When we remove the pressure of a goal, space opens up to connect and play.


The first thing we can do is be kind to ourselves and partners, and acknowledge that we have all absorbed some intensely lopsided messaging about what sex “should” look like.


What if we thought of sex like a dinner party? Yes, you want the food to taste good. But it’s the full experience that makes it memorable. The company. The laughs. The music. Not just how long it lasted, or how buttery the biscuits were.

If an orgasm, erection or something else entirely brings up stress for you during sex, try experimenting with a no goals, just play sex session. Here’s an idea for how that could look:


Remove the goal

Whatever the source pressure may be for you, explicitly rule it out. Whether solo or partnered sex, state that it’s off the table. “Let’s just play right now. I want to make you feel good. No goals.”


Choose from the tools at your disposal

Lips, teeth, fingers, palms, feet, genitals, toys. You can kiss, bite, lick, rub, slap, scratch, penetrate, vibrate. A hard dick is not the only tool in the shed.


Throw away the standard playbook

The beauty of no-goals sex is there’s no moving forward or backward. Seeing what happens is part of the fun.


• • •


What if we thought of sex like a dinner party? Yes, you want the food to taste good. But it’s the full experience that makes it memorable. The company. The laughs. The music. Not just how long it lasted, or how buttery the biscuits were.


Great sex is about creating the conditions for exploration and pleasure. Orgasms and hard dicks are not required.


We dive into the topic of pressure during sex in more detail in our audio course, Oral Hygiene. Check it out today.